Vandy’s Losin It

It seems like there are certain things that can derail us from our healthy path.  One thing for me is any kind of traumatic event… like when my Grandmother had to be rushed to the hospital vomiting blood.  Very distressing and scary to say the least.  But, I remember as we sat in the waiting room for hours on end.. comforting myself with food.  It was food that was not on my eating plan.  French fries, cookies, candy bars, pop….  I remember feeling like I needed/deserved to treat myself to these things in order to keep my sanity.

My Grandmother recovered and was out of the hospital within a few days.. but my comforting myself with food went on for weeks, maybe even months.  So, was the drama a trigger?  Or just an excuse to self indulge? I had lost 30 pounds a few years ago.. and was feeling very good about my accomplishment.  Then my little sister came to stay with me.. she was in the last stages of AIDS.  Every day she found it harder to eat… she began to literally waste away in front of me.  I found myself eating more and more.  It was like I was trying to make up for all the food she could not eat.. and I did.  In the next six months before she died her weight went from 130 pounds to 80.  I went from 165 to 200.

Another challenge I find is vacation time.  When ever we go on a vacation.. like Disney World, or Padre Island, etc.  I take a vacation from good eating habits.  While I believe there is room to indulge on occasion.. that does not mean a whole week or two of binging on all the foods that I know are unhealthy.  Of course, after vacation.. I just do not slip right back into healthy eating again.  Usually it will be weeks later.

I am thinking these things through as I endeavor to lose this weight once again.  There will always be sickness, drama and vacations in my life.  If I pack the weight back on every time one of these things in happening to me or the people I love.. I can never successfully get to a healthy weight and stay there.  I really do not want to keep repeating the mistakes of the past.  So.. I realize that the healthy path I choose to take must be a lifestyle and not a temporary fix for my weight.

Last week derailed me just a little… but, not completely.  I  ran a fever for a couple of days so I only worked out 4 mornings instead of 5.  I consider that another victory. Normally I would have just written the week off, but I pushed myself to continue as much as I could and I did.

I decided to tweak my diet and drop the bad carbs. So, this week I will work to decrease my sodium and fat intake.  I am also going to try  two new recipes this week.  I want to work at finding good, tasty meals that will be within my food plan and keep me from getting bored.  I have been looking through some… and will pick two to make in the upcoming week.

Water… I will be drinking more of it this week.  And of course I will shoot for 5 one hour workouts.  I think these are reasonable goals and will help me to lose at least two pounds this week.

Well my exercise routine has been derailed the past few days.  My little boy started running a fever Wednesday night and I started running one too.  He is still sick with fever and chest cold.  I ran a fever all day yesterday and now it is gone and I am feeling fine.  I was a bit depressed about giving up my morning workout the past two days. That is a good sign… I actually miss working out.

I will have to work out at home today and I will.  I have my fitness fanatics challenge workout to do and I will do an additional 30 minutes workout video.  Then I will go tomorrow morning even though I usually take Saturdays off.

I have also been tweaking my diet.  I have to drop some of the carbs out.  I know that I have a hard time losing weight when I am eating starchy veggies, rice, breads.  So… out they go for a bit.  Will replace them with lots of green veggies and lean proteins.  I have been doing  that since yesterday and already dropped a pound.  Now I am off to do my workout…

It has only been 8 workouts since I made my commitment to get more physically active on a regular basis.  But, already I can feel the changes starting to happen.  My feet and knees are starting to expect our morning walk now.. rather that ache and cramp up, they seem ready to get to it.  I am able to start increasing the time and intensity of the treadmill.  All in all…. I just feel stronger.  That is something, it truly is.

I also feel more in control.  Control is something that we can’t forget that we have and always have had in many areas of our lives.  Yes, there are things beyond our reach.. but what we put in our mouth and what we do with our bodies, for the most part is completely under our control. For some reason in the past few years, I have opted to trade in my self control, for self indulgence.   I have paid dearly for that trade.  Yes.. I have enjoyed many decadent meals and lazy days of no physical activity.  But, I have not benefited in anyway, shape, or form from that indulgence.  Not mentally or physically.   I think I may have forgotten the exhilaration of feeling in control.  I will not allow myself to forget it again.  Now I am off and running for the day.. I think I will pop some Janet Jackson in the CD player. Can you guess which song will be playing?

My nemesis the scale continues to taunt me.  Yes.. I know I am my own nemesis and the scale couldn’t care less. But in my demented world it seems to feel better to vent at an inanimate object.   My negative self defeating voice is saying over and over again ….. see you can’t do this.  You are spinning your wheels, you are making a fool of yourself.  BAD THOUGHTS…GET OUT OF MY HEAD.  Okay now let’s replace them with these.  You are making much healthier choices in food consistently for the past 9 days.  You have worked out 7 of those 9 days.  You feel better, your feet do not hurt.  Stay with the healthy lifestyle… your body will catch up.

Honestly, this body  is probably in shock right now.  I went from  junk to eating tons of veggies and fiber.  I went from inactivity to working out daily.  It is probably scared of what I am doing and hanging on to water.  So.. I am gonna listen to the positive voice in my head.  Not going to look for excuses to escape from the new habits I am trying to form.  As for you scale….. You have no power over me.

Back to 5:00 am workouts after having the weekend off.. so I had a bit of a rough start.  Youngest DD has been working out with me most mornings.  This morning she was dragging butt a little.  But, she did get around and off we went.  We get to the gym and as we are walking up to the door she realizes she forgot her electronic key to get in.  So… back home we go to get the key… I might have grumbled a little.

Anyway we did get back to gym and it cost me about 10 minutes of my workout time.  The treadmill I climbed on was malfunctioning, until I finally got off of it and on to a new one.  I do not know why I kept on the darn thing as long as I did … I just hate to stop and restart I guess.  So, despite the rough start the workout still happened.  That is the important thing.

My weight has held steady.. which perplexes me to some degree.  But on the other hand, I did not gain over the weekend which is rare.  Also, I have increased my fiber this week and maybe my body is still adjusting.  Either way.. this is where the commitment part comes in.  Cross your fingers that the scale drops just a tiny bit tomorrow..lol.

Not much to report today.. but trying to stay true to my “blog it out of my head everyday” goal. So, still no weight loss to report. I feel like an expectant mother who had gone long past the due date. Anxious, tired, ready to see some results. I keep talking myself down in my head. Beating the negative thoughts down with positive ones.

I am not backing off after a week. I know I have lived pretty darn good this week. Good, healthy food. Loads of physical activity.
That’s my plan and I am sticking to it.

Today is regrouping for me. Cleaning house, doing laundry. Getting my mind straight for the upcoming week. I will be back at the gym at 5:00 in the morning. I will be feeding my body healthy food all day today. No excuses.

So, I wake up this morning expecting to see a loss on the scale.  I have been good, really good this week.  My eating and calories in check.. and I worked out 5 days straight!!  I thought that I had not really lost due to PMS issues so far.  But today.. well I thought at least a pound would drop off.  Nope, nada … in fact I am up half a pound.  Of course my mind becomes a swirling cesspool of negative thoughts.  “What’s the point?” Why am I working so hard to see NO Results?”  “Eat whatever I want today.. since it doesn’t matter.”  Then I tell myself..( out loud too) in no uncertain terms.. Shut the Hell Up!!  Now if someone was standing outside my bathroom door.. they would surely think I have lost my mind.  And.. Maybe I have!! I need to tell certain parts of my mind to GET LOST and stay there.

So, I wander from my semi-psychotic fight with myself into the living room to drink some coffee with hubby.  He tells me he is going to Sonic to get a breakfast burrito… Would I like one??  Of course I would.. truth be told I would like to have two of them please.  Smothered in Salsa and Cheese, extra tater tots, and a surise smootie made with ice cream and some fruit.  Yeah.. that will help ease my pain.  But.. instead of answering right away.  I google the calorie/fat counts on one of those burritos.  550 cals and 40 gms of fat.  For one of them.. no tots, no smoothie.  At first I say okay.. I will take one burrito, no tots or drink.  (I deserve it, don’t I?)  But, as hubby is getting around to go get the food.. I just feel sick about my choice.  I told that negative part of myself to get lost.. but I am still listening to it.  So, I change my decision.  I scrap the burrito and eat a smart ones egg muffin from the freezer instead.  Victory.  210 calories and a couple of gms of fat… nice trade.

Now I feel so much better going into the rest of my day.. knowing that I told that negative, self defeating part of myself to hit the road.  It will back, no doubt.  Maybe even later today, hopefully I can remember how much better I feel right now.  And that pound will come off… and then it will be followed by many more if I can just keep my commitment to better choices  the voice I choose to listen to.

It seems like a small victory.. working out 5 days in a row.  It is something I always say I am going to do, but never have actually done it.   Usually by Wednesday or Thursday I am sore .. I just skip a day or two.  I tell myself I have worked hard and deserve a break and then don’t get back to the gym until I push myself to do it again.  Maybe on Monday, maybe not. So this week I intentionally set out to push myself past this barrier just to prove I can do it.

As I was walking on the treadmill this morning, I was relishing the fact that I made it.  Then I noticed my thoughts…  you don’t have to do this every week now that you know that you can.  What the heck?  That sounds like a formula for slipping back to hit and miss workouts again.  So, I am forcing myself to rethink this..  and change my self defeating reasoning.

Andy Warhol said:  “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”

I keep reasoning that as I get my body more in shape.. my mind and my attitude will change as a result. But, I am pretty sure I have that backwards.  I need to get my mind and my attitude set to making real changes and then my body will reflect the results with improved health.  This can only happen if I truly am committed to changing things in a real way… not just a temporary fix.

So, it feels really good to be heading into the weekend knowing that I can and will work out five days next week too.  If I can do it week one… being completely out of shape, week 2 has to be completely doable.

This morning brought minor challenges to my commitment to workout at 5:00 am.  My heels were aching from the past three days of activity.  I stayed up late visiting with one of my daughters… and my little boy, afraid of the closet monster climbed in my bed at 2am.  So.. needless to say I was not as perky as yesterday. I did not wake up 5 mins before the alarm.. rather I think it rang for 5 mins before I heard it.  But, I did not even pause to lay there and think about sleeping an extra hour… I just rolled out of the bed and into my clothes and out the door.  I know I must have looked quite beautiful too. Thank goodness it was still dark outside.

I thought the treadmill would make my aching feet worse.. but I think it actually helped to walk it off.  They still feel pretty good.   So… lesson learned.  Just “doing it anyway” actually can help when you are sore.  I did take it easy on the weight machines though…  I do not want any injuries keeping me from my workout tomorrow.  If I make it in the morning, that would be the first time I ever worked out 5 days straight!!

Now as for my food… I am trying to keep my calories  in check by each meal.  Trying average 350 or so cals. And, another 350 for snacks.  So far that is going pretty good.  I took Grandma some lunch at the nursing home.  KFC… she had fried, I had grilled.  I skipped the biscuit and most of the cole slaw.

I am feeling pretty strong on my commitment to being healthy and reasonable in my food choices.  But, I have to admit the upcoming weekend scares me.  Gonna focus on chilling out and not stressing.. healthy reasonable choices.  Not deprivation.  How can I go wrong with that?